Rank!
by Felflowne
Summary: A little insane rant about RanKen, featuring self-insertion and cute KenOmi stuff. RanKen fans, I don't think this is one for you...you have been warned! Basicallywe just interfere with everything for a laugh. Please read and review! Actually funny!


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RANK!

By Felflowne aka Espion and her partner in crime and awful fic writing, Insaniac 1.

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This is just a little trip inside my diseased mind to see how I feel about certain pairings in Weiss. Warning to all Ran/Ken-aholics, this one is not for you. I don't intend to hurt anyone's feeling with this insanity, so there you are, I've warned you. The same goes for Yohji/Omi fans, sorry. Open-minded people are welcome, but bear in mind, I don't flame fics just because of the pairing and neither should you.

*shakes finger*

I may have given the wrong impression there. EVERYONE is free to read this, everyone is welcome, but remember, I am a rabid Ken/Omi fan and it may turn me mental.

Thank you.

Oh yeah and Weiss isn't mine.

****

'I think you'll find!'

Omi looked up and over at Yohji, who was on the other side of the shop.

'Did you hear that?'

'What? The **'I think you'll find!'**?'

'Umm, yes,' said Omi unsurely, not quite positive that the grammar Yohji had just used was legal.

Yohji shrugged.

'It keeps happening. Last night Ken heard it in his room.'

'Saying the same thing?'

'No,' said Ken, coming in, 'they said, _'When you research further into the subject it will become clear that.'_ I think.'

Omi thought about this.

'So, basically, they're all saying the same thing?'

'Yeah,' said Ken, 'apart from when they just randomly yell your name and mine.'

'I've never heard that,' said Omi, but then he did.

****

'Blatantly Omi!'

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'Nuh uh!'

'This is so weird,' said Ken, sitting down next to Omi and taking a flower from him. Suddenly…

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'Awww!'

****

'Kawaii desu yo!'

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'Sugoi!'

Ken and Omi froze. Yohji looked up interestedly.

'Hey you guys, do something else, it seems to make the voices happy.'

But before they could think of anything, Aya entered the room and took a seat on the other side of Ken.

There was a hiss.

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'Ran/Ken is rank!'

Aya looked around.

'These voices really don't seem to like me,' he said.

****

'Neh, you're cool, but…'

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'RAN/KEN IS RANK!'

'What's Ran/Ken?' asked Omi, too absorbed in his task to notice Ken's blush.

'Umm…'

'Don't know, no idea,' said Aya swiftly.

****

'Boo Aya, boooo…'

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'Ran and Ken, sitting in a tree… Oh god what am I saying?'

It was Omi's turn to blush.

'Seems they don't like you sitting next to Ken, Aya,' said Yohji, amused, 'but they went mental when Ken sat next to Omi.'

There was a noise like someone dropping a starfish. All the florists spun around.

'Right! You're just not getting this!' said one of two girls who'd just appeared. She had blonde hair and was quite short.

'Damn right, look here you!' said the other, who was also blonde, but taller, to Aya, 'we don't like Ran/Ken, right? It sucks.'

'In a bad way,' added the other.

'Yes,' confirmed the second, 'thank you Insaniac No. 2.'

'My pleasure, Insaniac No. 1.'

'Ah! Ah!' snapped Insaniac No. 1.

Aya had attempted to speak to Ken.

'You. Out, please,' requested Insaniac No. 2 sweetly.

Yohji was unperturbed by the whole thing. He had, of course, been driven completely insane by Insaniac No. 2 (or Felflowne, as she was more widely known, although not much more widely, despite the amount of soul and hard work she put into her work on Fanfiction… ok, ok I'll shut up) about three weeks ago. He liked their style. He went out.

When Aya didn't seem to want to go, the taller girl raised her hand and he seemed to rise as though held by invisible string.

'Sayonara,' she sang Gacktly as she gave a little wave, and Aya was blown out of the doorway and down the stairs. The door locked behind him.

Felflowne turned towards the readers and waved her hands frantically.

'He's okay! We didn't kill him! There are cushions at the bottom of the stairs… and Yohji might catch him.'

'Mwahahaa,' confirmed Insaniac No. 1.

'Umm?' said Omi, raising his hand, 'are we allowed to go?'

'Oh but no!' cried Felflowne, bearing down on him. 'You're the whole reason we're here!'

'I am?!"

"Well you AND you."

"Me and me?" said Ken, being a bit of an idiot.

"Aha!" said both of the Insaniacs. 

"See, when you're around Omi, your brain doesn't function properly!" said Insaniac 1.

"I compliment you on your shounen ai hint finding talents," said Insaniac 2.

"Thank you,"

"What?" said Ken.

"What?" said Omi.

"Mwa ha ha haaaa!" laughed both Insaniacs insanely.

"Ack!" said Ken.

"I'm afraid," Omi admitted.

"We'll be alright," Ken said, taking his hand, looking slightly fearful himself. 

The Insaniacs squealed with joy.

"What?!"

Ken and Omi had got past afraid and were now just plain confused.

"Well," the taller Insaniac said, "you see we are here to prove our theory. We will NOT go away disappointed."

"I think it was rather obvious you were here to prove your theory," Omi said. He was so smart. "But what IS your theory?"

Insaniac 2 cleared her throat.

"We hypothesise that Ken and Omi are in love with each other. This can be quantified by the degrees of misery of each of them during separation; unfortunately this can be measured directly only in arbitrary units - as experts on the subject, we, Insaniacs one and two, feel qualified enough to determine these units themselves. The other option, the more pleasant and the one we are intending to use, is to measure their happiness and correlate it with the sweet things they do together."

Ken fell over. Omi immediately rushed to his side to check he was ok.

"Waiii!" squeaked Insaniac 1.

"So what you're saying is, you think we love each other?"

"Essentially, yes." She said.

"…and? We thought everyone knew this!"

The Insaniacs sighed, cried, and hugged each other in sadness.

"One would think so," they said. "But some people will not accept our theory. They have alternative theories…"

Both of them shuddered.

"So we are out to get proof. Actually, they probably won't accept our proof either, people are idiots but…"

Ken was looking suspicious.

"These other theories… They're nothing to do with what you were talking about earlier are they?"

"What, Ran/Ken, or whatever?" Omi said innocently.

The Insaniacs looked sick, and Ken looked worried.

"Don't look so worried! What IS it? It can't be that bad…" Omi started, but at the looks on everyone else's faces seemed to falter. "…can it…?"

Ken whispered in Omi's ear, and when he'd finished looked guilty at causing the horrified expression on his cute face.

"You…you wouldn't betray me with…with Aya would you?"

"I wouldn't betray you with anyone!" Ken assured him.

"I…can't believe it!" Omi said, looking stunned. Ken held him tightly till he felt a bit better; suddenly his blond boyfriend sat up, his face set in resolve.

"We have to prove them wrong," he said. "We wanted not to be too obvious in the series…what did I just say? I seem to have forgotten…"

Ken stroked his hair to soothe him in his confusion, and continued on his behalf.

"We tried not to be too pornographic," he said, ignoring the Insaniacs as they looked at each other and mouthed "why?", "oh what?" and other disappointed things to each other.

"Because…well it felt like we couldn't…it's strange, whenever we try to…you know…"

(Here the Insaniacs nodded wisely/worryingly and said "we know" in the kind of voice it is HIGHLY disturbing to say "we know" in)

"It felt like we weren't in control of ourselves, but not in the good way where it means we could…in the bad way where it was like someone wouldn't let us…"

'Well! That's ALL about to change!' yipped Felflowne, Insaniac the second.

'Yes! Because…!'

Insaniac 1 unrolled a piece of paper.

'We have here the ACTUAL piece of paper which is very important to everything!' stated First Insaniac proudly.

Ken and Omi stared.

'Um…What is it?'

'A piece of paper. It's important,' said Ken, thinking that maybe Omi hadn't been listening.

Omi looked at Ken despairingly.

'You know, if you weren't so utterly gorgeous, sweet, right for me and good in bed, I might dump you for some of the dumb stuff you say.'

Ken however, was not worried by this, but simply grabbed Omi's shoulders and kissed him playfully.

The Insaniacs danced around the flower shop like the happy fangirls that they were.

'You know, I'm quite happy to leave this thing now,' said Felflowne, wiping her eyes blissfully, but Insaniac 1 shook her head gravely.

'We came here today to spread the word that RAN/KEN is RANK!' She proclaimed.

Felflowne sighed.

'Most people reading know that already, and you're just making the ones who don't insanely angry.'

'Flame and I'll laugh, mwahahaa!'

'Ha, yes, but this is my account, not yours.'

'Aw, who cares, flames are great, especially the badly spelld ones.'

'Can we stop talking about flames?' hissed the secondary Insaniac, looking nervously around.

'Umm…?' said Omi, tapping her on the shoulder tentatively.

'WAIIIIIII! Omi-kun kawaii desu!' She tackleglomped him, much to Ken's annoyance.

'Hey…!' He barked, 'get off!'

'Sure thing… one second…'

Insaniac two aka Felflowne squeezed Omi extra tight, then let him go.

'There…all happy.'

Omi stood up woozily and was promptly caught again by Ken as oxygen failed to have enough time to get to his brain.

'We shall leave you now,' said Insaniac one, 'but we shall return whenever the true path of Ken/Omi-ness is obscured by the evil clouds of…'

The sky darkened outside. Babies cried. Dogs gave birth to kittens with five heads each.

'…Ran/Ken.'

'Or, the pairing-which-should-not-be-named, as it shall henceforth be called,' said Felflowne, looking panicky.

Ken and Omi nodded. This made sense. The two Insaniacs weren't really insane after all, just mental, and rabid Ken/Omi fans.

They shook hands.

'You guys seem to get on so well…It's like you're the same person.' Omi said as Insaniac one hugged him.

'Well basically we are the same person,' she said.

'Da,' said Insaniac two.

'Da, my friend, da,' said Insaniac one fondly.

'So, you mean you don't disagree about anything?' asked Ken, amazed. The two Insaniacs suddenly whipped round so that they were facing each other, pseudo martial arts poses at the ready.

'What the..?' squeaked Omi, diving behind Ken.

The Insaniacs took a deep breath.

'Yuuhi!' cried Felflowne, striking from an unexpected quarter, but Insaniac one rallied magnificently.

'I think you'll find, Toya!'

'Blatantly Yuuhi!'

'Quite clearly Toya!'

Felflowne took a deep breath for her final blow.

'When you research further into the subject it'll become clear to you that… Yuuhi!'

'Why are we doing this?' said Insaniac one madly, trying to draw attention away from her next strike, which she was building up to.

It worked. Felflowne opened her mouth to reply, but instead was blasted backwards and out of the window by Insaniac One's next attack.

'OMIIIIIII!' she yelled.

Omi looked at her. Light dawned.

'They're supporting different people! Insaniac-one-san is supporting me…'

Insaniac the First flashed him a… grin.

'…so Felflowne-san must be supporting…'

Suddenly Insaniac one was hoisted up off the floor and stuck to the ceiling. Felflowne skipped in through the door, mending the window with a flick of her hand.

'I think you'll find, Ken.' She said sweetly.

'I'll kill you!' cried Insaniac one, struggling fruitlessly against the ceiling, 'I'll steal the stripes off your zebra, take you first born child…'

Ken and Omi looked at Felflowne in alarm. She seemed to be doubled over in pain.

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How can her words have such an effect? Thought smart little Omi.

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The ceiling needs painting, thought practical-minded Ken.

'…AND…'

Felflowne looked up, and now Omi could see that she hadn't been doubled over in pain, but in laughter.

'…play the xylophone on your bald head!' they chorused joyfully. Felflowne waved a hand and Insaniac one was safely back on the ground.

'Farewell, our lovely little bishounen,' said Insaniac one, wiping her eyes, 'until next time, inspire some good Fanfiction for us, won't you?'

'Yeah, unlike this,' said Felflowne sadly, remembering her review count for her last story.

Insaniac one put an arm around her as they began to fade.

'Aww don't worry about it. I loved it.'

'You wrote half of it.'

'Yeah well. Oh yeah, by the way, m'dear?'

'Yes?'

'OMII!'

'ARGH!!!'

Then the voices were gone, until next time. Ken and Omi wondered privately if having such odd 'guardian angels' was a blessing or a curse.

'Let's go and let Aya and Yohji out,' Ken said after short period of private wondering.

Omi turned and flashed him a wicked little smile, before leaping into his arms and pressing their lips together.

'Later… I can think of better things to do now.'

'You are SO right. They can wait.'

***OWARI***

My god that was stupid. I apologise to EVERYONE I may have upset with the writing of this, it really isn't meant to be taken seriously, so please don't take it seriously.

HEY! GIVE IT BACK!

*cries*

Insaniac 1: What is it me dear?

Someone took my fanfic! They took it away!

Insaniac 1: No look it's okay, it's still here.

*looks*

*grins*

Oh yeah! Cool!

This is so totally the end. By the way, if they are any others out there like us who worship Ken/Omi, please contact me, I'd love to hear from you!

My email address is espionthehamster@hotmail.com

Also visit Insaniac 1's website full of her yummy Fanfiction as well as kawaii Ken and Omi stuff at www.geocities.com/weareweiss

Everyone: SHUT UP ABOUT KEN AND OMI!

NEVER!!


End file.
